Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Heartbeat

Some nights ago I was falling asleep on the floor (I sometimes do, mostly for reasons of Insomnia) in a comfortable nest of blankets when I noticed a heartbeat under the pillow.
I lifted my head up, and it was gone. I could only hear it with my head to the floor.
The floor was also quite warm, and occasionally gurgled very softly. I figured that the radiator pipes were running right underneath me.
Outside was some weather. Gusts of wind, sheets of rain.
"Thanks for looking after me, house," I thought. "I wouldn't know what to do without you."
I thought about how I've been trying to be completely grown-up and disciplined since I moved in, because that seemed to be required now that I rent a proper house to live in. "It's been awful," I thought. "It's actually been really awful. I hate waking up in the morning thinking about how much I need to draw exactly rather than what I want to draw. I've stopped making things for fun, and ever since I've actually got less work done. This is stupid, house."
The house's heartbeat went on calmly. "I'm glad we talked about it," I thought.
Then the beat changed, and I realised it was my neighbours working on their music... they soundproofed their garage, but the rhythm still carried through the floor.
I was suddenly very happy, thinking that I live next to people who make things at night.

The next day I slept late, and since then I've started crocheting animals again instead of counting comic panels in the evening and calculating whether I'm on track or not. I'm always kind of on track anyway.

3 comments:

debbieosborn said...

Good for you, I also came to the same conclusion a few months ago!

Joel Le Blanc said...

We need to remind ourselves, sometimes, what we are really doing this for, what is in it for us, and what was the passion and enjoyment that first started us on the track we are on today. When you start earning money for your creativity, you can so easily lose sight of that enjoyment, with work and deadlines and money issues rising up in a huge wave of oh-my-god. I've recently decided that I have to follow my gut with what I 'want' to do each day, and trust that the work I 'have' to do will get done somewhere, in there, when the inner hunger is saturated. So far, so good. :)

Viviane Schwarz said...

Yep. As far as I can tell, this is how it works. Sometimes things need doing creatively that really are no fun at all, but more often it's all brilliant challenging stuff and the problem is me simply not daring to grab the most exciting thing and get on with it. If I do dare and grab and make what wants making, it drags the rest with it. If I don't, nothing happens.