Saturday, September 5, 2009

Happy Morning Solitude

I had a great morning. Man, mornings are always great when there's no one else in the house. Evenings tend to be a bit melancholy by myself, but waking up fairly early in a quiet house is just perfect. I made myself a proper coffee and sat by the washing machine reading Murakami's "What I talk about when I talk about running", and thought about how nice it will be when my foot stops hurting and I can go for long walks again.
Then I put on some clothes to go with the day - blue and stripy. I am not completely happy if I don't get to dress suitably for the day in the morning, suitably meaning suiting my own idea of what sort of a day it is. You can spoil my day very easily right in the morning by telling me to wear something else. I like looking into the mirror and looking how I feel. Naturally I always look a bit like I've just seen a ghost, because my hair is going grey and I have dark circles under my eyes. That's the one thing I sometimes adjust, because even though it is generally appropriate I understand that not everyone is comfortable with feeling like they've just seen a ghost and not really minding it. - I have nightmares pretty much every night, when I sleep at all, and that's been the way of things as long as I can remember. Even when I'm awake and walking about I feel like there's a ghostly web almost visible holding the world together, and sometimes I think I can see it stretch across someone's way like a big spider web with not even a spider in it to keep them entertained while they're stuck, and I feel sorry for them. But it's just the nature of things, and if I didn't worry I'd be someone else, which would be tragic, since being me is pretty good. Especially on a Saturday morning in autumn.
Today I'll go with the slightly spooked look.
I love the way the sunlight moves on a cloudy morning, it's like waves of light washing over everything. Maybe they'll invent an ultrasonic sun-like shower cabin like that one day that actually physically scrubs you clean. Or maybe I'll have a garden one day and just step outside in my pyjamas and yawn and it'll be pretty much the same.
The head of the patchwork bear I have partly crocheted is sitting on a wicker box by the window with a doggy expression of "what are we going to do today?" and I think: You'll be sitting on that basket making a silly face and I'll be writing two chapters of a novel about foxes. But first I'll go and have early lunch in a cafe.


Stephanie Roth Sisson said...

Poor you! That really blows. Sleep is golden and the world is a much better place when you've had it...I'm sure that you have tried everything to improve you sleep...for me what really helps is to physically exhaust myself.

I hope the rest of your day is sunny and perfect- just like a Saturday in late summer should be!

Viviane Schwarz said...

Oh, it's been a lovely day... the evening is a bit boring, but am listening to Joni Mitchell and trying to write some more.

Physical exhaustion helps because I still can't sleep then but I am pleased with myself while I'm awake :) - I can remember a few times when I've suddenly strangely slept well and it's so amazing to wake up after that! I wonder if it would be as good every time...

Swati said...

1. Sorry about your foot - hope the hurt is better now. What was it?
2. Sorrier about your nightmares; can only wish they'd stop or at least, mellow down.
3. Just an observation: it'd be interesting to meet you in person. I don't think I know anyone else who can see webs all over the place...

Viviane Schwarz said...


1) I think it's getting better, and I think it's from wearing high heeled shoes all day one day.
2) Nightmares are ok, I would quite like to get some more decent sleep though.
3) :) Thanks - I'm quite sure everyone sees webs but they call it different things.