Saturday, August 18, 2007

Going Shopping With Super-Villains

Yesterday we got thinking about Supervillains. In particular, what it would be like if one of them took you shopping.
I think it's a great way to try out a villain, imagining that.

Some results:

Darth Vader. Makes great effort to get you the things you always wanted, then creates a nuisance in the electrical goods department when he gets carried away testing the gadgets.
Result: Darth Vader gets you the Best Toy Ever.

Long John Silver. Feels like a great adventure, lots of laughs, until he notices the store detective, at which point he goes "I wonder if you could just hold this for me, son. And this and this and this. Excuse me for a minute." and disappears.
Result: Long John Silver gets you arrested.

Jabba the Hutt: He just waits in the car park and gives you his credit card and a couple of guards to help with the carrying. You buy your groceries, and on your return he wants to see the receipt. It makes his eyes boggle, and his translator says: "Jabba says this is not the true price of Salmon. Jabba says he knows the true price of Salmon. Jabba says you will pay the true price of salmon. In the pit of Rancor!" Then he goes woah ho ho ho ho, spots you've been making a three-for-two deal on pizza and it's all good again.
Result: Jabba gets you a month's supply of groceries.

Voldemort. He gets more and more cranky , then throws a hissy fit at the cereal isle. "Shreddies or Weetabix? Make up your mind. It's not that hard!!!" - at the check-out he shouts at you for buying more than you can carry because he's forgotten that he could levitate it by magic.
Voldemort has no concept of human joy, and he won't get you anything interesting.

Sauron. He arrives late and lays waste to the mall. Then he's mildly baffled about your disappointment.
Result: Sauron gets you nothing at all.

Doctor Octopus. You spend a long day in B&Q, watching him stalk the isles.
Result: Doctor Octopus gets you an ice-cream while you wait.

Magneto. Whisks you away to Paris, takes you to Lafayette and does tricks with cutlery at the cafe.
Result: Magneto gets you a great day out.

Hook: Takes you straight to Morrisson's breakfast area, orders a couple of fry-ups and says "Arrrh me boy, we shall dine like lords on fivepence!" - Then he sends you back home because he has some sort of thing on in the afternoon involving a giant crocodile.
Result: Hook gets you a cheap breakfast.

I find my favourite villains are the ones that would be fun to go shopping with.
Maybe it's because supermarket-shopping is like world domination in miniature. Maybe it's like somehow they are all universal dads.
What about female villains though?

4 comments:

alexia said...

Ha ha ha ha - brilliant!

Steph said...

HA! I second that!

Kris said...

ok new game: how about the heros? How are they when taking them shopping?

Batman?
Dr. Who?
Luke Skywalker?
Robin Hood?
Harry Potter?
Peter Pan
H-Man?
Sailor Moon?

Viviane Schwarz said...

I have a feeling that if you go with a hero there's a good chance that yo are the one paying for some thing they'll need - heroes have that sort of self-centred feeling, no? Would be a bit of a travesty with Batman, who is a millionaire after all, but maybe he isn't so good at sourcing things. He'd be popping up out of nowhere and grabbing you by the shoulder and asking you where to get decent espresso. You might get some espresso for yourself out of that, so good result.
Dr. Who would ask to be taken to the nearest pound-shop for reasons somehow connected to the inner workings of the Tardis. Or because some alien race urgently requests great loads of tubing and bath-foam. You'd probably get a souvenir out of that.

Then there's a spade of heroes who have never seen a supermarket - I think He-man would be rather disgusted with it all. I remember a scene in the He-man movie where he realises that the tasty food-on-sticks-in-a-bucket he's being served on earth is spare ribs, and it upsets him greatly (you consume... living beings???) - just imagine him finding out about sweatshops and packaging made from non-renewable resources. He'd probably wrestle his way to the in-store announcement system and tell everyone: "THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. YOU MUST LISTEN. STOP CONSUMING. PUT YOUR GOODS DOWN NOW. JUST PUT THEM DOWN. YOU ARE HURTING YOUR PLANET AND YOUR PEOPLE. TOGETHER, YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE..."
Captain Kirk, by the way, might react similarly, but he'd add "YOU WILL LEARN TO WORK THE LAND TOGETHER", have a quick shag on the way out and remember to smash the computer and get Spock to destroy the internet, just to make sure.
Which would be a good result for Kirk, not so good for He-Man who would get sadly ridiculed.

All the kids could maybe come out together, maybe Luke could keep Peter Pan under control... although if you take Harry along you won't get much done because the place will come crashing down in a massive battle of sorts before you get to the check-out.
In fact, that's likely to happen in any case if you take a hero...

Somehow going shopping with Sailor Moon seems the easy option. It would probably involve hair-clips and trying on sunglasses. I think she'd take time off it all to get some shopping done...

"Shopping" with Robin Hood? - I guess you could call it that...